


all is fair in love and war

by Sunshinelollipopsandmisha



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Inspired by Twist and Shout, M/M, i'm honestly so sorry, it was a school project i'm sorry, twistandshout?, we were given the title all is fair in love and war and idk how this happened
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-16
Updated: 2014-10-16
Packaged: 2018-02-21 10:27:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2464889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sunshinelollipopsandmisha/pseuds/Sunshinelollipopsandmisha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>why am I posting this... oh yeah I haven't done anything else that's why, wow I suck.</p>
            </blockquote>





	all is fair in love and war

**Author's Note:**

> don't read it

It was the first of many nightmares, and from that night on, Dean mostly dreamed of Cas. They weren't like the dreams before, the ones when they were on the beach and Cas was fading away; instead, Cas was bleeding. Purple bruises bloomed on his skin when Dean touched him, and blood leaked from the corners of his mouth and his nose. It caked and cracked when he smiled, unaware of what was happening even when Dean tried to stop him.

“What’s happening?” Dean cried, throwing himself away from Cas, holding his hands up, one particular night. Blood trickled onto the floor. It was matted into Cas’ hairline and seeping into the collar of his shirt.

“What’s happening to you?” Dean yelled again, not knowing what to do. Cas stared at him, smiling his sweet smile.

It’s alright…it’s alright. Everything is ok.

Dean shook his head, blood pooling on the floor and inching towards his feet, spreading out where it dripped from Cas’ sleeves and trouser legs.

“No, no, you’re dying!” Dean shouted, and Cas looked so concerned, taking a step forward.

“I’m killing you, Cas!” Dean screamed, pushing him away. Cas slid in the slick of his own blood, staring at his hands. He rubbed his palms thoughtfully, glancing up at Dean.

It’s alright, he smiled, reassuringly, and Dean felt the tears start.

“No, no,” he wept as Cas’ grew paler and paler, the bruises mottling his neck and his chest and the tops of his feet. He stood and put his sticky, warm, hands on Dean’s, holding them. He kissed Dean’s jaw with his split lip, and Dean felt him mouth something against his skin, but he couldn’t make it out.

“Stop – stop,” he’d gasped, sitting straight up, and then he was awake again, shaking, his fingers curled in fists. He’d bit his knuckle to keep himself from screaming, Cas’ eyes looking so blue against the red, and so calm. Dean didn’t know what it meant, but it scared him, and they were so real that often, even after he’d woken he didn’t know where he was. He started to become more distant, didn't talk as much as he used to, and Adam took notice when Dean began sleeping less than normal. But that was what war did to you.

Not long after that Adam died. Shot by one of their own. The ambush was swift, brutal and costly. They only lost three but that was three families who would never see their loved ones again. Sisters who wouldn’t see their brothers, wives that would be widowed, children who would live without their fathers and then there was Adam’s mum. She’d lost her whole family. And Dean had watched it happen; Watched, as Adam was drowned in his own lungs by blood that suffocated him whilst he gurgled in Deans arms. Dean was helpless. He watched as Adam’s eyes went glassy and as blood ran over Dean’s hands and down Adam’s face he realised it was nothing new. It was what happened to Cas every night in his dreams… and there was nothing he could do. He was helpless.

When he closed his eyes at night Cas held him while he cried, scratches and welts rising in the wake of Dean’s touches.

_Come home_ , he’d mouth, and Dean would shake his head, staring at the ground. Cas’ footprints were bloody and he’d stop every once in a while, the three bullet wounds in his abdomen making him cramp and double over before straightening. Dean was used to seeing them by now and just let them happen.

There was nothing he could do.

_Come home_ , Cas would repeat, and finally, Dean was able to lift his head and stare at his face. He touched the skin under his eye and the skin rippled into a delicate yellow bruise, and Cas leaned into his palm.

“Tomorrow,” Dean rasped, “tomorrow…”

He didn’t know. He couldn’t see the future. Didn’t know that he would leave Cas after months of trying because he could only see the pain he caused him. Wouldn’t see how it destroyed everything that Cas was and how it would make everything worse. Didn’t know that he would get a call from Cas’ brother saying he was ill. That he was dying. Dean didn’t know that he would try not to believe it but go to the hospital anyway. Didn’t know that he would be told that Cas had _a few weeks, probably less. Probably less. Less._ Didn’t know that he would hold him whilst he died. That he would sing with him even though Cas could hardly breathe just so he wouldn’t be so scared. Wouldn’t know how scared Cas was.

_I love you._

Crash.

_I love you._

Crash.

_I love-_

_Cas turned back to through his shell into the sea._ Cas' heart stopped. Flat line. Crash. Dean didn’t know he would keep holding on and singing over the sounds of machinery. _Cas’ shell sank to the bottom of the ocean._

Dean didn’t know that he would drive to the apartment afterwards and read the letters. The letters he was never meant to read.

 

 

_Dear Dean,_

_I’ve been so tired lately. I’m so tired of being angry, and sad, because that wasn’t the point. I’m sad because I’ll never get to tell you certain things again. I’m sad about that, but I’m not sad like I was when you left. I think I held onto that too long. I confused it with loving you, and those aren’t the same. Being sad about the things I miss isn’t loving you. It never was. Loving you was so much bigger than that._

_I don’t think I can stop loving you. I think it’s a part of me now, and it’s never leaving. It makes me who I am, and I used to think this crippled me, but I don’t think it does anymore. Loving you has given you back to me. I’ve missed you. The old you. You never really came home, and I understand that now, and I know it wasn’t your fault or mine or anyone’s. It was just circumstances we couldn’t avoid, but I’ve realized that just because we ended the way we did doesn’t define what we were before._

_To have those memories back is such a precious thing. To have that part of you back with me – it’s unimaginable. I was thinking about shells, and I was thinking about that day at the beach and I can remember sitting on the blanket looking at the water, and you asked me what I was thinking._

_I was thinking about how afraid I was that I was never going to love you as much as I did then. That the moment was going to get washed out, that I would never be able to experience what it was like to know that I loved you as much as I did again…_

Cas’ words seemed to drop off the page before starting again. But Dean couldn’t bring himself to read them all. Not then. Instead his eyes skimmed to the last two words:

_Yours,_

_Cas_

 

Didn’t know that when he tried to write a letter back the only words he could write were:

_Dear Cas,_

Like he hadn’t known that _I can dig Elvis_ would be their, I love you. The only thing he knew like the only thing he thought when he looked at Cas was _this boy was going to make this world turn and stars would fall like rain._

Because he didn’t know that Cas would die. Didn’t know it would happen on a Thursday afternoon. On a sunny day. Like the day they met. But he did… and Dean was helpless.

Because everything had happened in a world where they were wrong and death was fair. Death was all.

 

 

And all is fair, in love and war.

**Author's Note:**

> why did you read it it's so bad i'm apologising again.


End file.
